A great man died on Thursday. A man who was influential in my life. A man who shaped my understanding of faith, ministry, and the church. A man who I very often disagreed with. And I've never been so sad. All of the cliched grief symptoms are not so cliche this week. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. Breathing is just so hard. I truly do feel like I'm being kicked in the stomach over and over and over. All of this over someone who I was more likely to have an argument than a friendly chat with.
I apologize if this post rambles a bit. I am still wrestling with the rawness. I'm still denying this has happened, so it's difficult to put anything concrete in writing. One thing must be said, however: I'm sorry. Jamie, I'm sorry that we left your church without resolving all of our differences. I'm sorry that I was so angry with you and never told you. I'm sorry I never thanked you for the hard work that you did for our congregation, even for our family who you didn't particularly like or agree with. And I'm sorry that you left us before your work was done. I wish you could be here to hear me say this. Thank you. Thank you for helping me grow in my faith and in my understanding of God's kingdom. Thank you for reaching out and encouraging my new pastor-husband. Thank you for reminding me, even this week in your death, to say what I need to say to those around me. Thank you. Rest in our Lord's Peace, Jamie.
An odd way to begin a list of thanksgivings for the week, I know. But even in the grief, I am still thankful for:
258. Rob not injured in the car accident
259. USAA, our insurance company
260. A special rental "car"
261. Playing Wii with Rob
262. Good muscle aches
263. Saratoga Children's Museum on
265. turning 3
266. Grace for birthday cupcakes
267. Jamie Evans
268. Sharing grief with a friend who also knows the pain of loss
269. Having insurance to cover the total loss of our car
271. My brother on his birthday
272. A conversation with a fellow high school leader
I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed shall live. Deuteronomy 30:19